caloused finger tips
I am learning to play the guitar and there is something intensely satisfying about the callouses I am developing on my finger tips. It feels as though I am earning something.
Something hard.
Something ugly.
Something rough on a more delicate person that gives me the ability to make something beautiful out of 5 strings and some wood… the opportunity to create, to express takes some sort of weathering.
My feet are filled with tiny cuts from the play in Prague, I earned the applause. When something is easy, when there is no callous or cut, is it really worth it?
In the moment I bitch and complain. I say things like “What the fuck? Sweep the damn floors?” But, after the show closes and I am cleaning the cut on the top of my toe, there is a sense of accomplishment that is not replaceable.
And so I recognize aliveness.
I see that I am in a body and yet it is not real until i feel it.
and so it is with emotions.
I know I am a human being, but until I experience my own emotional bandwidth, I don’t really know if I am anything more than a robot.
Thank you, calloused hands, bleeding heart, and open mind.
Fill my days with rich alive-ness and I will give me a standing ovation.
xo
a
an ego
Ok, so pride is the greatest limitation in the world. I set out to be wonderful and present in everything I do and yet because of this confusion I have with my image, it is almost impossible for me to be present and real in any given situation. I am just noticing that this is all an effect of the pride I carry and work to uphold at all times.
I am so confused with the person I think I need to be vs the woman I am. The funniest part of all is the woman I am is actually cool. When I find humility and appreciation I enjoy all people and experiences so much more. I love and value each interaction because I see people as something other than objects to confirm my image.
Funny, I think because I grew up thinking the image I play is the best and most important thing in the world, I am so afraid to be something other than that, but because of this fear I confirm this belief and perpetuate the issue. Vicious cycle, no?
I am working on a movie that I will be filming in June and I am seeing my limitations as an actress and it is only since the last few days I have been able to admit to the challenge and ask for help. I am very excited now, as opposed to the “freaked-the-fuck-out” I was before, because I feel like I am learning how to learn. Similar to the directing, maybe this will help me to build myself into the actress I want to be.
Maybe I can get better? Grow? That’s exciting. Am I alone in this enslavement to the image?
xo
a
Tags: Acting, ego, Learning, pride
